Wednesday, April 8, 2009

On a serious note...


My House of Cards

 

Constructing a house of cards can often be difficult and painfully disappointing.  The builder often exhales an audible sigh of relief each time a new card is added.  He understands how temperamental the structure is and how delicate his hand must be in order to keep the impressive framework from collapsing.  He often steps back and studies his work from different angles, determining the best strategy to reinforce the foundation before attempting his next move.  He continues to build, never leaving his obsession unattended for he knows that even the smallest occurrence could cause the destruction of what he has worked so hard to accomplish.

 

I feel as if I have been building a house of cards my entire life.  Every piece was carefully placed each time I did something good.  Its very construction was the evidence I needed to convince myself and others that I was worth something.  However, I knew that deep inside of me I had a secret that threatened to destroy everything I had worked so hard to build.  It seemed to me that no matter how much good I ever did, everything would come crashing down if someone were to know what was weighing so heavily on my heart. 

 

Building this house of good deeds became my obsession.  I was an active and faithful member of the church who everyone loved and admired.  I was a classic overachiever who was the first to volunteer for everything.  I was every mother in law’s dream- everyone wanted me to date their daughter, sister, friend, or neighbor.  In all things, it seemed as though I were an incredible success.

 

Just as the cautious builder never left his masterpiece unattended, I too never allowed myself to wander away from my creation.  I was so proud of the person I had become, I could not let my secret ruin my reputation.  Little by little I started to realize that while my issues with same gender attraction were not threatening my reputation, they were completely destroying me on the inside.  Keeping my feelings bottled up inside me only led me down a path of self hatred, and utter despair.  I was literally at the end of my rope, but didn’t know where to turn.  Was it possible that there was anyone out there like me?  Someone who was struggling as much as I was, but desired more than anything to stay true to the faith that I loved?

 

It was in my moment of absolute loneliness, that I found a book in the Deseret Book catalog that dealt with this very issue.  As I began reading, I felt as if I was reading my own story.  For the first time in my life, I realized that I was not alone in my struggle.  I knew that there must be others like me out there.  I was determined to let my secret out and deal with it.  It was time to face this challenge head on, rely on the Lord for support and strength, and most importantly, it was time to realize that it was not going to go away.

 

For those of you who struggle with feelings of same gender attraction, I hope you know that you aren't alone. I also hope that at some point in your life you are able to recognize that all of the good inside you matters so much more than this one little piece of you. There will be ups and downs along the way, but I pray that you will face each day with a determination to be the best YOU that you can be.


12 comments:

  1. Sounds like a familiar story.

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  2. Definitely familiar. Might I ask what book?

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  3. The book was In Quiet Desperation... If you haven't heard of it, I'd recommend checking it out. It has become a "Gay Bible" of sorts for LDS men struggling with SGA.

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  4. In the first area of my mission, I found a Deseret Book catalog with an advertisement for the book "In Quiet Desperation". Oh, how I wanted to read it! But I couldn't very well buy the book then. Yeah, that would be rich. "Hey elder, I need to buy this book on same-gender attraction. I know it's not part of the missionary library, but I want to read it. Oh, for me? No no no no." :-) So I ripped out the page and kept it in my luggage for the whole two years. This is true. After I came back home, I bought the book, read it, and that is how my story of healing began. In addition to the wonderful people I met and taught, I am so grateful I served my mission, for if I didn't, I would be a very different person today. I'd probably still have an incredibly heavy heart and cry myself to sleep every night (which I did as a matter of fact). My life definitely still has its share of problems, but I am far from where I used to be. It feels good.

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  5. Thanks for sharing that Therman! This is exactly why I started this blog!!! How can we get the right information out there so these poor young men struggling with their sexuality can find messages of hope???

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  6. I seem to recall how I became acquainted with that book. It's a good story, just ask Therman one of these days ;)

    But yeah, that book helped me to realize that a) I wasn't the only Mormon in the world with SGA, and b) Being LDS and homosexual aren't mutually exclusive! I'd recommend the book to anyone that hasn't read it yet.

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  8. Funny story to share with all... I thought I would be inconspicuous when I bought "In Quiet Desperation" at the BYU bookstore. I thought if I took it downstairs and overloaded my basket with school supplies, the cashier wouldn't pay attention to the title of the one book in the sea of other supplies. I was wrong. He picked up the book scanned it, looked at the title, and then looked me in the eye and said "Good book! I just read it!" I'd like to say he winked at me. He didn't. But the look he gave me was the equivalent of a wink. So, yeah... we're not alone!

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  9. That's HILARIOUS!!! Thanks for sharing that with us!

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  10. Hee. I remember buying it at the BYU bookstore. I carried it around with the title to inward to my leg and put it on the counter face down for the cashier (a girl, and there were no comforting winks)

    As a sidenote, thanks ElderBrotherSomebody for the blog. It's been a pleasure to read so far!

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  11. Hi, know a wonderful young man who is gay, but from reading his blog - nohomoho.blogspot.com, isn't really sure... but has lost his faith because of SGA.

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