Friday, April 3, 2009

Which way do I go from here?

In the story Alice in Wonderland, Alice encounters the Cheshire Cat and decides to ask for some advice.
Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here? Alice asked.
That depends a good deal on where you want to get to, said the Cat.
I don't much care where, said Alice.
Then it doesn't matter which way you go, said the Cat.

Since denial was no longer an option, I had to admit to myself three very difficult things- I was gay, my feelings were real, and it wasn't going to go away. Those three facts seemed to completely limit my options for the future. 

I think it's normal for people to go through worst case scenarios when facing life changing events. For me, facing the reality of my sexuality, left me unsure of what would become of me. When I asked myself "Where do I go from here?" I thought about what the Cheshire Cat said to Alice. It made perfect sense... It really does all depend on where you want to get to. I knew that I had a testimony of the gospel. I knew that regardless of what I was feeling, God did not intend for me to give up everything I knew was true just because I was attracted to men. I also knew that I was a stubborn son of a gun, and I was determined to figure out a way to deal with it, while still staying faithful to the things that I knew were true.

That being said, my journey has not been perfect. I've made mistakes that I'm not proud of, and I've gone through a lot of pain and heartache because of it. However, for every time I've fallen, I have been blessed with the strength to pick myself back up and move forward. If there is one thing I've learned while dealing with all of this, it's the importance of forgiving myself, and moving on. It's kind of like making a wrong turn when you're in a hurry to get somewhere. Even though it might make you late, the only thing you can do is quickly get back on track and keep on going. No big deal! The worst thing I've discovered that good little gay mormon boys do, is beat themselves up over and over again after making mistakes. 

Luckily we are in no rush to get to our final destination. As long as we know where we want to get to, we can always get back on track and keep moving forward.

Bon Voyage!

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